“So long self … “

If we’re fortunate, if we commit ourselves, if we give in and walk with abandon, I think there’s something incredible that happens on this walk with Christ. When I first began writing, it was out of a need to express myself, out of a deep-seated desire to press into Him, to process my develpoment, to try and keep up with all of the internal changes that were flooding through my life like some sort of tidal wave … I loved how intimately our communication and relationship developed, how sweet our time together smelled, and how gently He moved me into awareness and purpose. I have started to lean how to say “So long self …”

These days, I’m off and running in a direction that I knew was coming more than six years ago. I’m trying to keep a steady, yet faithful pace to the direction He’s called me to go, and as I try and keep up with our Lord, I am ever-amazed at what He has entrusted me with.

For those of you who don’t know me and what I’ve been up for the last year, Abeni (www.abenionline.org) has officially launched In my desire to listen to God and pursue the life I knew He was calling me to, a couple of friends and I decided to follow our passion for those in the SoCal sex industry and start loving those beautiful women working as online escorts, porn starts, and in our local strip clubs.

It has been the most incredible journey so far in this whirlwind seven months. It has been indescribably filling and freeing to my soul. We have met some of the most wonderful, talented, intelligent, beautiful, funny girls in our visits to our local strip clubs. I am learning to live beyond comfort and a life that’s easily explained to others, but, once again, I am learning to say “So long self … “

So, ultimately, my life is so jam packed with things on the to-do list, and although I rarely have a chance to sit and write anymore, I am finding this strange balance that could only come from my time with and pursuit of Jesus. I know that for every season under the sun, He has a purpose. I’d love to keep you up to date with what God and  Abeni are doing. Visit the Abeni website (www.abenionline.org) , check it out, then I challenge you to spend some time with God and begin pursuing the call behind the small, still Voice that’s been calling you for so long … I promise, you won’t be sorry

From Achor to Acre …

So the Monday before Thanksgiving, two other friends and myself hit the SoCal strip clubs on a mission of love. This has been more than 10 years in the making for me, around 6 years in preparation, and about 9 months in planning … God has had to do some serious work in me to get me to the place where I am healthy, loving, trustworthy, graceful, and emotionally safe enough to go out and attempt to love others with the love of Christ.  It is an honor and a privelage to think my God trusts me enough with His children to allow me to go and be His hands, feet, mouth, and heart … It’s truly overwhelming.

There is something not only exhilerating, but a little terrifying about following the call and doing the thing you know the Lord has planned for you. As Phylicia, Erica, and I step out in faith and embark upon what is already turning out to be quite the adventure, we do so with a mixed bag of reactions from those around us. For the most part, we are finding a great deal of support and encouragement from those close to us. There are those, however, who have remained strangely silent and distant. There are others, sadly, who are withdrawing all of their support entirely, believing firmly that Jesus would have never done this or gone where we are going. This, as a redeemed woman, leaves me stunned, disappointed, and confused, as I always assumed we were talking about the same Jesus.  But this is not a surprise, was totally expected, and is most certainly not a deterrent. Knowing what I’ve walked away from, what I’ve been saved and salvaged from, what I’ve been transformed from, I have no problem understanding that this is where God has called me to serve. 

I could go on some long-winded diatribe about the  nature of our God, but I won’t. I feel compelled, however, to note a few simple Truths which cannot be escaped. It’s really quite simple …

The earth is the LORD’s, and everything in it;  the world, and all who live in it;     – Psalm 24:1

With that being noted, I’m going to have to assume that includes strippers and strip clubs, brothels and porn sets, pimps and prostitutes, payers and partakers  alike. I have to take God at His word. It’s for that reason that not only do I feel like we’re being entrusted with something special, but that we’re walking on holy ground.

If you’ve read any of my earlier entries, you know how much I love the book of Hosea and how Hosea 2:14-16 has become my life verse. Something interesting happens when you look at verse 15 in the  NIV and Message translations side by side … The Valley of Achor turns into Acres of Hope. From Achor to Acre, from trouble to hope, God walks with us.

He loves us with an endless love.

He loves us with a passionate love.

He loves us with protective love.

He loves us with a love so tireless it chases us into the darkest of corners teeming with deception, and loathing, and guilt, and shame.

He pours out a grace and mercy we can’t make any sense of, but can’t breathe without.

He affords us a fresh beginning with every dawn, and second chances with every passing second.

He promises to breathe life into things long since consumed with the stench of death.

He is the Creator, the giver, of life, love, freedom, and hope.

Rescuer

Ransomer

Redeemer

Restorer

Rebuilder

Resurrector … This is my God and I invite you to join us on our journey

“How To Be A Good Neighbor” by Shane Claiborne and Jonathan Hartgrove

It feels like a lifetime since I’ve written … My fingers are itching to express my heart’s contents while my  heart is yearning to say things it cannot speak. It has been a trying few weeks. From returning to work, to juggling schedules, kids, laundry, meals, and ministry with what is an entirely new way of life for us right now, we find ourselves worn and weary, yet never without hope … Our God has been good, loving, gentle, provisionary, kind, and oh so gracious to us. I could go on and on, but, of course, I have to go to work

In a stolen few moments this morning, I found a list Craig Gross (founder of the XXX Church) posted. Written by my favorite author and co-author, Shane Claiborne and Jonathan Hartgrove, I find myself charged, inspired, challenged, and reminded of all that I long to be … All that the Cross invites us to become and share with this world we live in. I hope it does the same for you …

1. Fast for the 2 billion people who live on less than a dollar a day.

2. Contact your local crisis pregnancy center and invite a pregnant woman to live with your family.

3. Ask your pastor if someone on your church’s sick list would like a visit.

4. Join an open AA meeting and befriend someone there.

5. Adopt a child.

6. Mow your neighbor’s grass.

7. Volunteer to tutor a kid at your local elementary school. (Try to get to know the kid’s family.)

8. Grow your own tomatoes–and share them.

 9. Ask a small group in your community to meet regularly for intercessory prayer.

10. Build a wheel chair ramp for someone who is homebound.

11. Read the newspaper to someone at your local nursing home.

12. Plant a tree.

13. Look up the closest registered sex offender in your neighborhood and try to befriend him.

14. Throw a birthday party for a prostitute.

15. When you pay your water bill, pay your neighbor’s too (they’ll let you… really).

16. Invest money in a micro-lending bank.

17. Ask the next person who asks you to spare some change to join you for dinner.

18. Leave a random tip for someone who’s cleaning the streets or a public restroom.

19. Write one CEO a month this year. Affirm or critique the ethics of their company (you may need to do a little research first).

20. Start tithing (giving 10%) of all your income directly to the poor.

21. Connect with a group of migrant workers or farmers who grow your food and visit their farm. Maybe even pick some veggies with them. Ask what they get paid.

22. Give your winter coat away to someone who is colder than you and go to a thrift store to get a new one.

23. Write only paper letters (by hand) for a month. Try writing someone who needs encouragement or who you should say “I’m sorry” to.

24. Go TV free for a year. Or turn your TV into a pot where flowers grow. 25. Laugh at advertisements, especially ones that teach you that you can by happiness.

26. Organize a prayer vigil for peace outside a weapons manufacturer such as Lockheed Martin. Read the Sermon on the Mount out loud. For extra credit, do it every week for a year.

27. Go down a line of parked cars and pay for the meters that are expired. Leave a little note of niceness.

28. Write to one social justice organizer or leader each month just to encourage them.

29. Go through a local thrift store and drop $1 bills in random pockets of the clothing being sold.

30. Experiment with creation-care by going fuel free for a week–ride a bike, carpool, or walk.

31. Try only reading books written by females or people of color for a year.

32. Go to an elderly home and get a list of folks who don´t get any visitors. Visit them each week and tell stories, read the bible together, or play board games.

33. Track to its source one item of food you eat regularly. Then, each time you eat that food, pray for those folks who helped make it possible for you to eat it.

34. Create a Jubilee fund in your Church congregation, matching dollar for dollar every dollar you spend internally with a dollar externally. If you have a building fund, create a fund to match it to give away and by mosquito nets or dig wells for folks dying in poverty.

35. Become a pen-pal with someone in prison.

36. Give your car away to a stranger.

37. Convert your car to run off waste vegetable oil.

38. Try recycling your water from the washer or sink to flush your toilet. Remember the 1.2 billion folks who don´t have clean water.

39. Wash your clothes by hand, or dry them by hanging to remember those without electricity or running water. Remember the 1.6 billion people who do not have electricity.

40. Buy only used clothes for a year.

41. Cover up all brand names, or at least the ones that do not reflect the upside-down economics of God’s Kingdom. Commit to only being branded by the cross.

42. Learn to sew or start making your own clothes to remember the invisible faces behind what we wear. Take your kids to pick cotton so they can see what that is like (and then read James).

43. Eat only a bowl of rice a day for a week to remember those who do that for most of their life (take a multivitamin). Remember the 30,000 people who die each day of poverty and malnutrition.

44. Begin creating a scholarship fund so that for every one of your own children you send to college you can create a scholarship for an at-risk youth. Get to know their family and learn from each other.

45. Visit a worship service where you will be a minority. Invite someone to dinner at your house or have dinner with someone there if they invite you.

46. Help your church congregation create a Peacemaker Scholarship and give it away to a young person trying to avoid the economic draft, who would like to go to college but sees no other way than the military.

47. Eat with someone who does not look like you. Learn from them.

48. Confess something you have done wrong to someone and ask them to pray for you.

49. Serve in a homeless shelter. For extra credit, go back and eat or sleep in the shelter and allow yourself to be served.

50. Join a Yokefellows ministry at a prison close to you. Remember that Jesus said he would meet you there (Matt. 25).

Redeeming Love …

… Well, 450 pages and 2 days later, I am finished. In Francine Rivers’ freshman offering, “Redeeming Love”, she retells in glorious detail and with overwhelmingly benevolant and gentle insight,  the story of Hosea and Gomer from the Book of Hosea. This story, this book by Hosea whose God-given love for an adulterous woman,  has held me captive for months now, so when my friends began raving and passed along their copy, I could do little to resist.

Unlike the Biblical account of Gomer,  she weaves a whole new humanity into this woman we know next to nothing about. Nothing of God’s painstaking love story to His people is sacrificed, none of the redemptive themes strategically laid out in the Bible have been lost, and none of the love, grace, mercy, and restoration has been diluted … It’s beautiful.

 With that being said, please forgive me for not having much to say or even knowing how to express it, for it’s left me feeling very raw, very exposed, very unnerved, all of which must for a reason and, therefore, good. This was a terribly painful read and it was neither because I’m a terribly emotional reader (which I’m not) or because I knew exactly what God was trying to tell me (because I don’t). It’s left me achingly aware of just how entrenched and layered my past was and still is … It’s left me so confused. My soul is throbbing and dulled to everything but the very things I don’t want to feel … Pain, sadness, angst, and an extremely unpleasant nagging and sense that there is little I can do to escape myself.

That, of course, is the point though one must suppose. There is something ugly, detramental, and poisonous still dwelling within and until this thing – whatever it is – is exorcised, I will know no peace. I will experience no true rest, and I could really go for some real rest right about now … With all of that being said, I know where my rest lies and I know Who is the giver of the peace my remembering heart so deperately needs … How grateful I am.

“Therefore I am now going to allure her;
       I will lead her into the desert
       and speak tenderly to her.

 ¹⁵ There I will give her back her vineyards,
       and will make the Valley of Trouble a door of hope.
       There she will sing  as in the days of her youth,
       as in the day she came up out of Egypt.

 ¹⁶ “In that day,” declares the LORD,
       “you will call me ‘my husband’;
       you will no longer call me ‘my master.       ^{– Hosea 2:14-16}

Fodder to my soul …

I can’t believe I missed it again. In all of my analyzing, all of my yearning, all of longing to go deeper and have more with my God, my Christ, I missed it.

For months I’ve been seeking God, seeking His face, His presence, His wisdom, His truth, direction, grace, love, and patience. I’ve been seeking and asking Him for everything but the most simple, necessary, critical thing that would be fodder to my soul the way air is to my body … Deep, passionate, intimate connection with my God, my maker, my Savior, my Jesus.

It has been the theme for the greater quest in my life this year … Connecting deeply, intimately, genuinely. For months Tony and I have been trying to forge more connectedness between the two of us. The same could be said for my beautiful circle of friends as we attempt to go deeper with eachother. I have consistently sought to create a layered relationship with my children through our conversations and interactions. I have consciously moved out of my comfort zone to both experience and share the love of Jesus with those I have no connection to. All of these areas and relationships have seen change and results with which my soul is well pleased, but there has still been this lingering nagging in the back of my heart, a questioning of why my other relationships are flourishing, yet the one I have my God is an up and down tide.

When I dropped food off to Ricky and the guys under the overpass this week, I was sad and disappointed. After the hand-off and some obligatory small talk by Ricky, it made me realize that he had no idea what to say to me, and though we chatted out of some sort of sense of socially expected niceity, I was no closer to having a real relationship with him than I was in the minutes before I left him with food. This is a picture of my relationship with God right now. No real heartfelt exchange, no passionate connecting, as a matter of fact, not much more than a really good friendship. Don’t get me wrong, I need this friendship, but I long for so much more and why would I settle for anything less than what He wants to have with me?

Truth be told, it’s hard with four kids in tow when all I want to do is get out of my car, sit down with them, and juat talk. I long to hear about their day, their thoughts, their experiences, their lives, their hearts. Until I can really invest in them, our connection will be merely one of casual acquaintance … and I don’t want that. I don’t want that with anyone I know, especially Jesus!

So, I’m laying in bed last night and it hits me like a ton of bricks … My relationship with God is no different. All of this unmet longing, all of this newfound wisdom and growth, all of this conversation, all of this asking and listening, and yet I have continuously failed to seek the very thing I need the most … Connection, relationship, intimacy, fellowship with Him.

It’s so simple it’s stupidly embarrassing, yet I’ve missed it over and over again. So today, as I set out to go to church, visit with friends, and, above all, expreience and draw closer to God, my focus, my purpose will look a bit different. It might be simpler, it might be a bit more streamlined, and it might even be a little less flashy in the spiritual sense, but for right now, it’s all I want.

Living metaphorically …

This morning has already been a whirlwind of activity and errand running, with still a laundry list of things yet to do and get done before dinner time tonight. With only a week left of summer vacation left for me to, both, endure and savor all at the same time, I  was prepping for my husband’s favorite Chocolate Mint Flourless Cake when I started to reflect upon life’s twists, the seemingly insignificant daily occurences that come our way, and how I am no longer able to view them through the same eyes.

It’s been some time since I believed in coincidences, and to be perfectly honest, I really can’t imagine there not being real purpose, an eternal plan behind those “obviously trivial” goings on we encounter everyday. From the way I’ve run into friends not seen or heard from in almost 19 years, to the way the adorable neighbor down the street just “showed up” a few days ago and has become a fixture here, to the incredible timing leading us to another church … I’m living with metaphors in mind.

Not just any metaphor, mind you. I’m talking about the spiritual kind, where everything in my life, as well as my mind’s eye, is being reframed in the light of God’s plan and purpose, and His desire to see me grow and learn. Always wondering what it is God is trying to teach or show me, I just can’t help but think that there’s more to what’s really going on than that which is limited to my narrow way of thinking or limited vision. For this last year and a half, God has invested a great deal of time trying to show me just how capable, in control, loving, graceful, forgiving, and big “beyond what I was able to comprehend” He really is.

This is amazing when you consider that the God of the universe, the God of all creation finds me special and valuable enough to spend countless hours arranging circumstances, contriving lessons, weaving people and experience into my life, and  pulling together ways in which He can reveal to me the very spiritual plane on which we dwell … There is so much more than meets the eye. There is so much more to life than going through the motions in an attempt to get through the week and finally reach any cheaply manufactured Sunday experience. Everyday has the potential to be everything we’ve been led to believe Sunday “should be”, and to think I’ve been settling for an overwhelmingly small portion all these years is sad.

I’m framing my life metaphorically these days, and I think I’m starting to get a tiny bit of the bigger picture because of it. When Caleb came to me yesterday and said I yell too much, I had to stop and really consider how that reflected God, grace, love, patience, and mercy to him. No matter how much he upsets me, if I have no self-control, how does that affect my child’s desire to fall madly in love with the God I keep telling him is able to radically change and alter lives? Is this the reality of or a picture of my life and relationship with Christ, or am I still struggling with seeing Him as the task master, ready to jump all over my mistakes and misgivings? He NEVER yells at me no matter how deserving I am.

I love this new practice of looking at my relationship with Christ in every situation I encounter, in  each little, everyday occurence … It is in these that He gets to show and teach me who He really is, who I really am, how He wants to change my heart, and just where we stand with one another. My life is a microcosm of the bigger picture and, like a 7 year old who’s just unearthed a brand new nugget of wisdom “all by himself”, I love the joy of all of these new discoveries God and I are making together … Metaphorically speaking, of course

In Persuit of my Soul …

Taking a dive into territory outside of my normal comfort zone this summer, Tony, myself and three other couples have embarked upon an art/Bible study. To say that is has been enriching, enlightening, illuminating, educational, uplifting, and expansive would be a gross understatement.

This Soul Persuit study (www.soulpersuit.com) has been a deepening and  intentional time of reflection, as well as outside the box worship and creative expression. I am learning so much from my friends. I am gleaning wisdom, perspective, and alternative points of view and possibilities that could only come from the riches of Divinely inspired fellowship … I think some of our best times with Him come through our time with other believers, I really do.

Our study is taking us into the heart of David through his laments. these Psalms were written in a crying out to the Lord throughout various times in David’s sometimes crazy, unpredicatble, undulating, consequence-laden life … We are walking through and reflecting pensively upon things like what God’s deliverance looks and feels like, how it feels when our enemies come against us, and waiting on the Lord.

For my topic this week, I chose the delve more deeply into my experiences regarding the Lord’s silence. A few years ago, I went through an extremely long and uninterrupted period of at least 5 and a half years where I felt like I heard nothing from God. If you’ve read any of my first few posts, you know that the last year and a half has been some of the most fruitful, productive, and intimate time I have ever had with the Lord.

What I learned most in those time of silence was how to be patient, how to rely on faith instead of feelings, and how to trust in my God who has all the answers, all the delieverance, and all the restoration I will ever need … if I am willing to wait. Just because I don’t feel Him doesn’t mean He is not there. Just because I am getting no answers doen’t mean He’s not paying attention or at work on my circumstances. What is it God is waiting for me to do? What is my role in all of this silence, if any?

There is always purpose, there is always a plan, and there is always hope. This was this week’s offering.

Silence … your silence …

It is numbing, deafening this silence

this perplexing wait, my long-winded sighs of confusion

But never a “will you?”, only a “when?” or “for what am I waiting?”

Held tightly in Your grasp

Your unwavering, unchanging will

molding, holding it all together

Silence breeding this patience, honing this faith

birthing new life, new trust from dead dry bones

producing that which feeds only on time

But I am faulty, feeble, fallible, fearful

a card carrying member of faith

my confidence fortified, ever trusting in You …

In Providence,

In Wisdom,

in Truth.

in my future,

in Your hope,

in perfect timing

And so Your silence silences me …

Everybody has a name …

I have a terrible confession to make … I am horrible with names. I always have been and suspect that such may never change, but God love Caleb (my 7 year old)  for always asking, for always remembering. Last week when we gave the homeless man at Del Taco a giftcard so he could go eat, Caleb was so thoroughly disappointed when he found I had no name to give to the face we would never forget … And so was I.

For some Divine reason, the awareness of my suburban comfort in light of the homeless in my backyard is keeping me up a little bit longer these nights. We pass them everyday. To most, they are faceless, too numerous to count, without a name or a story, and far too often that’s the way we like to keep it. But they’re not … I recognize them and I can’t get away from that. I am seeing the same faces over and over again and every single one has their God-given features unlike anyone else. Each man and woman on the street is an individual, created in his or her Maker’s image, with purpose, a plan, and a future embedded deeply somewhere inside their DNA. And, of course, each and every one of the men and women living on the street has their own story. Similarities, poor choices, addictions, lost jobs, divorces, loss of family, fleeing home, or illnesses aside, they all have their own tale to tell, and today I’m reminded of that more than ever.

Dropping off blankets, food, and various toiletries to the our own homeless this afternoon, my relatability as the mom with four kids piled into the minivan doesn’t exactly overwhelm them. Why should it? We live seemingly worlds apart. I know they don’t think I get any of it, but, to some extent, I do. Never homeless, but entirely addicted, selling my body to make that happen,  and at risk for losing everything at any given time, I am able to relate to them far more than they, or even I, thought I could. Having had many a friend walk through homelessness and back, I can empathize.

Cruz was so fearlessly, lovingly, curiously, adamant about being the one to hand the man the gift card at Del Taco last week, so with my kids clamouring over themselves to be the ones to drop off the gift cards and to give out the blankets, I’m overwhelmed by the sense that they’re getting it … That our life is not our own, that we’re obligated and blessed to love and care for our brothers and sisters in need, that this love for others is, indeed, a gift to us as well.  

This is not the field trip that makes me feel better about my barely middle-class life and reliable weekly paycheck … This is the awakening that has been 37 years in the making. This is the shift in perception, perspective, and priority that God has been moving me toward my entire existence. This is the life for which we were all created. Service, sacrificial giving, extravagant love, graceful and tender compassion, merciful understanding, empathy for the seemingly untouchable … This is what should move me as a believer, riding this undercurrent of faith with the understanding that people will never know, believe, or sense that I, or God for that matter, cares for and loves them if I don’t step out beyond what is comfortable, convenient, or aesthetically appealling and show them.

I’m not sure it’s them or their current state that repels us nearly as much as it is our own deeply-seated fears that keep us from wanting to look total loss and societal abandonment in the face. It is not for their comfort that we choose to remain detatched and distanced, I believe, but for our own. It’s far too scary or foundation shaking to think that a God who loves, adores, and protects me could allow this to happen to one of His children, right? I was no different, but how can I pretend that God’s child doesn’t exist, especially when I see him or her everyday, sitting at the same street corner, holding the same sign, sleeping under the same overpass? I, in all good conscience, cannot.

And so, as I turn to go this afternoon, I reel back around, acutely aware that I have not asked him his name, that we have not been formally introduced, that this budding relationship has no grounds if we can’t engage personally … It’s David, he says with a wink and a thumbs up,  David.

Off we go – turning to get my now sleeping Fae home to her comfortable, safe, protected bed – and the conversation begins. What was his name? Are people scared of homeless people? Why? With the dialogue running, the talk becoming more introspective (at least as introspective as it can for 7, 6, and 3 year olds), and my kids becoming more personally invested in David, Ricky, and Roger, the final, shining thought emerges. Much to my heart’s joy, it is out of the mouths of my beautiful, loving babes, that the ultimate sentiment is grasped, and expressed. The expression of significance, value, importance, and uniqueness in our creation by a loving God is summed up in answer to my final rhetorical question to my kids … Why is it important to  learn about and remember people? What does everyone have?

And then my sweet, tender hearted, sensitive in spirit, Ruben captures it all … “Everybody has a name.”

Indeed they do.

Swimming in gifts, drowning in unappreciation …

 On any given morning as I get ready to load the kids into the car, I will find piles of both mentionables and unmentionables. Remnants of a summer road trip, various errand running and all of the little odds and ends that follow them into the car as we get ready to do whatever, seem to get stumbled over on a daily basis. Today, I’m unsettled as I see gifts, some new and some not so brand new being trappled underfoot … again. For the millionth time, despite every request to get them off of the car floor, there they lay, waiting to get stepped on … again.

It was only yesterday afternoon that Caleb was begging me for that “Planet Earth” book that he stomped all over this morning in the car. It drove me crazy to see him twisting the pages, crumpling the cover, bending the binding of something once longed for, something of worth and value … And yet, I have to ask, is that me? What have I pleaded with God for, only to tire of it so quickly and, likewise, stomp all over it like something I found in the bargain bin at Michael’s? 

It upsets me, but maybe it shouldn’t.  I have to ask myself, is this the same type of irritation, ire, weariness, and frustration that  God experiences when we treat His gifts the same way? What about homes, cars, clothes, friends, children, spiritual gifts, the very air we breathe … all of the innumerable blessings bestowed upon us everyday treated as if they were no big deal, of no importance, and insignificantly replaceable. Is our attitude and penchant towards disposability the problem, or the result of a greater, deeper, more innate deficit? Is it a material, or a character flaw? Is it immoral, sinful, or something other? How deeply does this river of ingratitude really run within me. I am swimming in gifts, yet drowning in unappreciation.

The question that plagues me even more, is what blessings am I treading underfoot that I am completely unaware of? What gifts am I blind to? What treasures are flying under my radar, therefore going unused, unshared, unappreciated,and without thanks properly or duefully being offered to the Giver of all good gifts? I shudder to think of how much I’m missing out on being thankful for.

How can I fully and better absorb all of the time, love, effort, and personal planning that God went out of His way to construct for me? Am I treating the gifts found in others, as well as the gift of others, as valuable and irreplaceably enlightening as they really are? Just some reflections I’m chewing on today … Any thoughts?

Helping me get past myself (Pt. 3) …

 I may not remember the first time I ever saw pornography, but it’s image and impact will forever be emblazened in my memory. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t any older than 7 or 8, and even though it wasn’t anything more that “just a Playboy” (and I use that term loosely and sarcastically), I’ve come to realize that it’s one of the two greatest influences that led me down the life path I would eventually travel.

Although I was completely innocent to it and didn’t understand what it was in the least, it became a recurring theme in my life. Pornography began popping up in places that we, as parents, hope it will never rear it’s ugly head. At 9, I remember my snickering neighbor sneaking me out to the garage where her father had hundreds of magazines piled upon eachother. The things I saw in those magazine I would have no understanding of until I hit my twenties … I think that says more than enough. It later became a thorn in my emotional side with the men I dated, and eventually, I saw how this poison would impact the marriages of couples we knew so well.

This distortion of reality, this desensitizing of couples, this destroyer of trust, this cheapening of God’s expression of intimacy and love has become a fixture in my psyche, my heart, and my life. This reoccurring theme is one where I have had to painfully turn back the pages and reflect on what it has done, how it helped shape me, and how it’s impacted my self perceptions so much. Embedding itself in my heart and mind for more than thirty years, I chose to believe the world’s lie over God’s truth for my life … The truth that could set me free.

No matter where I turned as a little girl, the world was telling me how I should look, what I wanted to be like, and the type of woman that, eventually, would be worthy of love. The subtle (and not-so-subtle) sexualization of the world arond me was not at all lost on this little girl. With every passing year, I saw everything I was not growing into, I became increasingly aware that my physique was not lining up with that of the accepted and contemporary standard of beauty … And it was killing me.

When little girls grow up having no solid, affirmed sense of just how wonderful, amazing, unique, gifted, lovable, and special they are apart from their physical beauty, they have no other frame of reference by which to gauge their worth. When little girls don’t understand that they were created with a purpose and plan by a loving God, they have no other choice but to begin seeing themselves through the  eyes of a world that has little other perspective or interest in them than the aesthetic … This is a road frought with heinous lies that sets them up for grave and tragic disappointment. This is a place of painful dwelling for one day, every little girl grows up realizing that there is always going to be someone more beautiful than they are. Someone’s chest is always bigger, someone’s always younger, and (in my case) everyone’s always thinnner. The chase for that which is so fleeting and destructible is the most empty chase a woman can ever embark upon. I know because I either lived in the heat of the pursuit or in denial of it for most of my life. Money gets spent, things get broken, and external beauty always fades.

The heavy influence that a distorted and unGodly view of physical beauty has had on my heart and life has been the single greatest negative influence on my life. It helped shape almost every opinion, perception, thought, or choice I was to have or make in regards to myself. It created a world where I could not peacefully dwell within myself because of the intense self-loathing that already existed there.

And so now, I sit here picking it apart, thought by thought, memory by memory, year by year, lie by lie. I am in perpetual surgery, allowing my God to dig out the cancer which needs to go in order for me to really live fully free in Him.

My existence has since been eternally altered by a loving, graceful, compassionate, patient, forgiving God … He’s patiently bringing the dross to the surface, gradually working out all of the impurities, slowly purging me of that which cannot coexist with His truth, graciously waiting while I hold up the whole process by clinging onto that which I so desperately long to let go and be rid of.

He is the amazing Healer. 

He is the Messenger of truth.

He is the Doorway to real freedom.

He is the Giver of life.

He is the Everything I need.

It’s these things I have a firm grip on these days and despite the uphill climb it’s turning out to be, I’m gonna keep walking. I have no other choice … I want to be where He is, I want everything He has for me, and I long passionately for the wholeness He’s promised to restore me to.

One of the biggest realizations I had was in finally getting that I was teachable and that I don’t get all of that Truth right away … He teaches me and, if I’m willing to learn, I grow and change. It doesn’t happen overnight and it takes intentional, deliberate practice and discipline, but it can happen. There is great relief, as well as joy, in this for me.

What about you? What do you need to unlearn?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hpNaEzX7W9E