I can’t believe I missed it again. In all of my analyzing, all of my yearning, all of longing to go deeper and have more with my God, my Christ, I missed it.
For months I’ve been seeking God, seeking His face, His presence, His wisdom, His truth, direction, grace, love, and patience. I’ve been seeking and asking Him for everything but the most simple, necessary, critical thing that would be fodder to my soul the way air is to my body … Deep, passionate, intimate connection with my God, my maker, my Savior, my Jesus.
It has been the theme for the greater quest in my life this year … Connecting deeply, intimately, genuinely. For months Tony and I have been trying to forge more connectedness between the two of us. The same could be said for my beautiful circle of friends as we attempt to go deeper with eachother. I have consistently sought to create a layered relationship with my children through our conversations and interactions. I have consciously moved out of my comfort zone to both experience and share the love of Jesus with those I have no connection to. All of these areas and relationships have seen change and results with which my soul is well pleased, but there has still been this lingering nagging in the back of my heart, a questioning of why my other relationships are flourishing, yet the one I have my God is an up and down tide.
When I dropped food off to Ricky and the guys under the overpass this week, I was sad and disappointed. After the hand-off and some obligatory small talk by Ricky, it made me realize that he had no idea what to say to me, and though we chatted out of some sort of sense of socially expected niceity, I was no closer to having a real relationship with him than I was in the minutes before I left him with food. This is a picture of my relationship with God right now. No real heartfelt exchange, no passionate connecting, as a matter of fact, not much more than a really good friendship. Don’t get me wrong, I need this friendship, but I long for so much more and why would I settle for anything less than what He wants to have with me?
Truth be told, it’s hard with four kids in tow when all I want to do is get out of my car, sit down with them, and juat talk. I long to hear about their day, their thoughts, their experiences, their lives, their hearts. Until I can really invest in them, our connection will be merely one of casual acquaintance … and I don’t want that. I don’t want that with anyone I know, especially Jesus!
So, I’m laying in bed last night and it hits me like a ton of bricks … My relationship with God is no different. All of this unmet longing, all of this newfound wisdom and growth, all of this conversation, all of this asking and listening, and yet I have continuously failed to seek the very thing I need the most … Connection, relationship, intimacy, fellowship with Him.
It’s so simple it’s stupidly embarrassing, yet I’ve missed it over and over again. So today, as I set out to go to church, visit with friends, and, above all, expreience and draw closer to God, my focus, my purpose will look a bit different. It might be simpler, it might be a bit more streamlined, and it might even be a little less flashy in the spiritual sense, but for right now, it’s all I want.
Psalms 130 & 131, hopefully I did not misunderstand.